1 00:00:00,109 --> 00:00:03,680 [MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC] 2 00:00:04,702 --> 00:00:07,571 Oh, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Thanks. 3 00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,405 Oh, I wonder if the hotel has a pool. 4 00:00:09,498 --> 00:00:11,316 Matt, no. I forbid you to go swimming. 5 00:00:11,372 --> 00:00:13,855 This is the corporate retreat, not MTV's Spring Break. 6 00:00:13,887 --> 00:00:16,129 Jake, this is the closest I've had to a vacation in years. 7 00:00:16,191 --> 00:00:17,493 All I wanna do is have some fun 8 00:00:17,587 --> 00:00:19,122 and maybe drunkenly say something 9 00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:20,790 way too personal to a coworker that I'll always regret. 10 00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:22,559 Matt, look. This weekend is about one thing: 11 00:00:22,658 --> 00:00:24,893 forming superficial relationships with people 12 00:00:24,994 --> 00:00:27,830 you can exploit in the future. It's called networking. 13 00:00:27,931 --> 00:00:30,299 "Shirley Moser, SVP Marketing. 14 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:32,134 "Son banned from Wal-Mart 15 00:00:32,234 --> 00:00:34,970 after Sudafed incident"? What is this? 16 00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:36,539 It's everyone I met at last year's retreat. 17 00:00:36,639 --> 00:00:38,072 Names, emails, and one dark secret per person 18 00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:39,508 for possible future blackmailing. 19 00:00:39,608 --> 00:00:42,111 Well, you're a well-organized sociopath. 20 00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:43,812 If you're over 30 and don't have a spreadsheet 21 00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:45,514 of everyone you've ever met, you're behind in life. 22 00:00:45,614 --> 00:00:48,084 I'm so bad with names. And faces. 23 00:00:48,184 --> 00:00:50,352 I have close friends whose names I don't know. 24 00:00:50,453 --> 00:00:52,855 - [PLANE RUMBLES, SHOUTING] - Oh, my God! 25 00:00:52,955 --> 00:00:54,090 [ALARMS BLARING] 26 00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:56,125 I knew it! I knew our pilot sucked. 27 00:00:56,225 --> 00:00:57,559 He was too folksy on the PA. 28 00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:59,795 Jake, I just want you to know that you're 29 00:00:59,895 --> 00:01:03,098 my best friend... at work. You're my best work friend. 30 00:01:03,199 --> 00:01:04,867 Oh, my God! I've wasted my whole life! 31 00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:07,770 [RUMBLING STOPS, ENGINE WHOOSHES] 32 00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:08,770 [WEAKLY] I forgive you. 33 00:01:08,870 --> 00:01:11,206 Are we... okay? 34 00:01:11,307 --> 00:01:12,942 - [STATIC CRACKLES OVER PA] - [OVER PA] Good news. 35 00:01:13,042 --> 00:01:14,810 That crash you just experienced 36 00:01:14,911 --> 00:01:17,314 was just a simulation. 37 00:01:17,414 --> 00:01:20,783 Surprise! And our apologies if you were traumatized. 38 00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:22,452 Fun fact: Coworkers who have co-survived 39 00:01:22,551 --> 00:01:24,753 a near-death experience are more bonded 40 00:01:24,854 --> 00:01:27,590 than coworkers who have not almost co-died together. 41 00:01:27,690 --> 00:01:31,461 So, congrats! Oh, and if your final thoughts 42 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,562 weren't of Hampton DeVille, then you've got a lot 43 00:01:34,663 --> 00:01:37,287 of work to do this weekend. Happy retreat! 44 00:01:37,312 --> 00:01:40,569 [ROCK MUSIC] 45 00:01:40,670 --> 00:01:46,610 ? ? 46 00:01:50,434 --> 00:01:56,130 Synced and corrected by kinglouisxx 00:02:10,098 most motivating motivational speakers 54 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:15,003 of 2012, 2013, and 2K-16... 55 00:02:15,103 --> 00:02:18,173 BOTH: Jeff and Gretchen Palmer! 56 00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:19,307 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 57 00:02:19,408 --> 00:02:20,709 [PULSING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] 58 00:02:20,810 --> 00:02:26,316 ? ? 59 00:02:26,416 --> 00:02:28,817 Re-certivity! 60 00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:29,885 Re-turbulation. 61 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,687 Acrownting. 62 00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:32,755 Analystix. 63 00:02:32,854 --> 00:02:36,858 - Constanceuance. - Inter-trans-deviation. 64 00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:38,828 BOTH: Sporg. 65 00:02:38,928 --> 00:02:42,031 None of those words made any sense, right? 66 00:02:42,131 --> 00:02:44,265 But you listened to them. Why? 67 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,234 Because we said them with confidence. 68 00:02:46,335 --> 00:02:47,502 [LAUGHTER] 69 00:02:47,603 --> 00:02:49,338 - [MOCK CHUCKLING] - That's not funny. 70 00:02:49,438 --> 00:02:50,906 Just laugh. If you pretend to be brainwashed, 71 00:02:51,007 --> 00:02:53,309 they can't brainwash you. [FAKE LAUGHING] 72 00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,377 "Team." That's a real word, isn't it, Jeff? 73 00:02:55,478 --> 00:02:58,180 That's right, Gretch. In fact, every corporation 74 00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,747 is kind of like a team, right? 75 00:02:59,848 --> 00:03:01,851 Hell, every marriage is like a team, right, hon? 76 00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:06,021 And my husband Jeff and I are the ultimate team. 77 00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:07,923 Do you wanna know why? 78 00:03:08,024 --> 00:03:10,459 Do you want to know why? 79 00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:13,062 Because we are total... 80 00:03:13,162 --> 00:03:15,031 BOTH: AHOLEs! 81 00:03:15,131 --> 00:03:16,132 That's right! 82 00:03:16,232 --> 00:03:18,434 "Alphas Who Only Like Excellence." 83 00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:21,537 That's what we are, and that's what you can be. 84 00:03:21,637 --> 00:03:26,309 Who out there, Hampton DeVille, wants to be an AHOLE? 85 00:03:26,408 --> 00:03:28,911 Come on! Anybody? 86 00:03:29,012 --> 00:03:30,712 What are you doing? Never participate. 87 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:32,881 Hey, how about you? All right, this guy! 88 00:03:32,982 --> 00:03:36,151 [APPLAUSE] 89 00:03:36,252 --> 00:03:38,788 All right, look at this big, tall giraffe. 90 00:03:38,888 --> 00:03:39,922 [LAUGHTER] Okay? 91 00:03:40,021 --> 00:03:42,224 Tell everyone your name, you big, tall giraffe. 92 00:03:42,324 --> 00:03:43,992 Uh, it's Matt. [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] 93 00:03:44,092 --> 00:03:45,428 Human being, not a giraffe. 94 00:03:48,263 --> 00:03:51,132 All right. Hey, took a lot of courage 95 00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:52,602 to volunteer like that, Matt. 96 00:03:52,702 --> 00:03:55,103 Oh, yeah, no. I mean, all I did was raise my hand. 97 00:03:55,204 --> 00:03:56,472 It's not rocket science, right? 98 00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:01,452 Okay, Matt. Um, let's go ahead, 99 00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:03,446 and let's do a little hypothetical. 100 00:04:03,545 --> 00:04:06,382 Let's say you're at a restaurant, and you find 101 00:04:06,482 --> 00:04:08,550 a little hair inside of your food. 102 00:04:08,650 --> 00:04:10,452 How do you handle that situation? 103 00:04:10,553 --> 00:04:13,622 Oh, I mean, I'd probably just take the hair out 104 00:04:13,723 --> 00:04:14,990 and still eat the food. 105 00:04:15,091 --> 00:04:17,093 I don't sweat the small stuff. 106 00:04:17,192 --> 00:04:18,426 - Oh. - Wow. 107 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,728 Wow. That truly is amazing. 108 00:04:19,829 --> 00:04:21,596 Let's applaud for that. That's amazing. 109 00:04:21,697 --> 00:04:25,935 Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. You know why it's amazing? 110 00:04:26,034 --> 00:04:28,936 'Cause I've never seen raw human dog shit talk. 111 00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:30,573 [LAUGHTER] 112 00:04:30,673 --> 00:04:33,408 - What? - Whoa, he keeps making noises! 113 00:04:33,509 --> 00:04:35,077 This is some talkative dog shit. 114 00:04:35,177 --> 00:04:36,444 [FAKE LAUGHING] 115 00:04:36,545 --> 00:04:37,713 Seriously, Matt. 116 00:04:37,812 --> 00:04:39,882 I mean, you must really think of yourself as 117 00:04:39,981 --> 00:04:43,017 unflushed toilet water to think that you deserve 118 00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:45,454 to eat food with hair in it. 119 00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:47,924 I think that it is clear to me, 120 00:04:48,024 --> 00:04:51,160 to my baby Jeff, to everyone in this room, 121 00:04:51,259 --> 00:04:53,396 that you are a very weak person. 122 00:04:53,495 --> 00:04:54,896 Would you agree with that statement? 123 00:04:54,997 --> 00:04:56,699 No, I don't think so. 124 00:04:56,798 --> 00:04:59,200 Wrong answer, toilet giraffe. 125 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,536 But guess what? We are gonna mold you 126 00:05:01,637 --> 00:05:05,675 from a weak pile of dog shit into an... 127 00:05:05,774 --> 00:05:08,077 - BOTH: AHOLE! - Yeah! 128 00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,444 [PULSING DANCE MUSIC] 129 00:05:09,545 --> 00:05:12,449 Yeah! Come on, guys. 130 00:05:13,682 --> 00:05:15,317 Am I a weak person? 131 00:05:15,418 --> 00:05:16,852 Well, you're definitely weak. 132 00:05:16,952 --> 00:05:18,387 I don't know if you're a person. 133 00:05:18,487 --> 00:05:21,357 I just always thought of myself as confident. 134 00:05:21,456 --> 00:05:22,791 You think I'm confident, right, Jake? 135 00:05:22,892 --> 00:05:25,161 - No. - Okay, that's fair. 136 00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:26,328 Now let's get dressed. 137 00:05:26,428 --> 00:05:27,695 We're going to the networking mixer. 138 00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:29,597 [SIGHS] I'm not really in a networking mood. 139 00:05:29,699 --> 00:05:31,699 The whole company thinks I'm a toilet giraffe. 140 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,502 I think I'm just gonna go to the pool. 141 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,904 Nobody's ever in a networking mood. 142 00:05:35,004 --> 00:05:36,605 It's just something we do to survive, 143 00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,407 like lying to your therapist. 144 00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:41,175 Now let's go trick some people into liking us. 145 00:05:41,276 --> 00:05:45,180 [SIGHS] Oh... Okay. 146 00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:48,184 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] 147 00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:51,086 ? ? 148 00:05:51,187 --> 00:05:52,822 And how's that lovely girlfriend of yours, Seth? 149 00:05:52,921 --> 00:05:54,822 And how's that adorable son of yours, Connie? 150 00:05:54,923 --> 00:05:56,625 And how's your prostate, Jerry? 151 00:05:56,726 --> 00:05:59,095 And how's that adorable little daughter of yours, Melanie? 152 00:05:59,194 --> 00:06:02,230 Dead. And my name is Julie. 153 00:06:02,331 --> 00:06:03,499 ? Oh, my God ? 154 00:06:03,598 --> 00:06:05,101 ? Did I just say that aloud? ? 155 00:06:05,201 --> 00:06:07,570 ? Should have known in this kind of place ? 156 00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:09,271 ? That sort of thing just wasn't allowed ? 157 00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:11,473 ? Should have known by... ? 158 00:06:11,574 --> 00:06:12,708 Do you guys like politics, or... 159 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,476 Do you wanna network with me? 160 00:06:14,577 --> 00:06:16,745 - Great. - You know what, never mind. 161 00:06:16,846 --> 00:06:17,780 ? ? 162 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:22,250 [MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY] 163 00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:24,286 I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm apologizing so much, 164 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,755 but I've been saying sorry to a lot of people tonight. 165 00:06:26,855 --> 00:06:28,591 ? ? 166 00:06:28,690 --> 00:06:31,593 Hopefully we can be business partners, or... 167 00:06:31,694 --> 00:06:33,329 We can stay in touch. We'll stay in touch. 168 00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:36,231 I'll put you in an Excel spreadsheet. 169 00:06:36,331 --> 00:06:42,271 ? ? 170 00:06:44,339 --> 00:06:46,642 ? Like I give a ? 171 00:06:46,742 --> 00:06:49,312 ? Like I give a shit about that ? 172 00:06:49,411 --> 00:06:50,746 ? Like I give a ? 173 00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:53,081 ? Like I give a shit about that ? 174 00:06:53,182 --> 00:06:58,754 ? ? 175 00:06:58,853 --> 00:06:59,955 Nice talking to you, Tim, 176 00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:01,356 and good luck with your worm farm! 177 00:07:01,456 --> 00:07:04,459 Hey, my contacts! 178 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,795 Pssh. Bill Patterson? He'll give his card 179 00:07:06,896 --> 00:07:09,131 - to the bathroom attendant. - Well, I have a comprehensive 180 00:07:09,231 --> 00:07:11,199 Excel spreadsheet with over 500 names, emails, 181 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,502 and personal details, so I think I know how to network. 182 00:07:13,603 --> 00:07:17,006 Excel, huh? That's cute. I use Google Docs myself 183 00:07:17,105 --> 00:07:18,975 'cause I'm actually serious about networking. 184 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,279 "Jake Levinson, Junior Executive in Training." 185 00:07:24,379 --> 00:07:25,781 Pleasure to meet you. 186 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:29,785 "Natasha Riggs, Junior VP of HD Analytics." Same. 187 00:07:31,019 --> 00:07:32,493 I'd love to keep in touch, Natasha. 188 00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:35,306 Are you trying to network with me? 189 00:07:35,391 --> 00:07:36,793 Abso-fucking-lutely. 190 00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:41,630 - [GIGGLING] - I didn't know you laugh. 191 00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:43,899 I do. Hey, I'll have another pi�a colada. 192 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,699 - Make it two. - You know, John, it has 193 00:07:45,724 --> 00:07:47,491 been great to get to know you outside the office, 194 00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,105 - get to know the real you, et cetera. - Yeah. 195 00:07:49,204 --> 00:07:50,605 Along those lines, here's an idea... 196 00:07:50,706 --> 00:07:52,106 and I'm open to discussion on it. 197 00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:54,509 - Okay. - What if we fucked? 198 00:07:54,610 --> 00:07:56,779 Huh. Well, that's interesting. 199 00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:58,781 I'm definitely open to the idea. 200 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,615 Should we maybe make a list of pros and cons? 201 00:08:00,716 --> 00:08:01,783 Oh, yeah. Excellent suggestion. 202 00:08:01,884 --> 00:08:03,151 - Great. - Okay, here's a pro. 203 00:08:03,252 --> 00:08:04,787 Retreat sex is the best sex. 204 00:08:04,887 --> 00:08:07,656 True. Pro: Sex between us could be 205 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,324 - a team-building exercise. - True. 206 00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:10,525 Now here's a con. 207 00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:11,993 Sex could be the biggest mistake 208 00:08:12,093 --> 00:08:13,663 - of our lives. - Oh, for sure. 209 00:08:13,762 --> 00:08:15,496 Excuse me, bartender? Excuse me. 210 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,031 Bartender! Bourbon, neat, 211 00:08:17,132 --> 00:08:20,803 and a vodka soda with two limes for my lady. Thank you, sir. 212 00:08:20,903 --> 00:08:22,805 Oh, hey, Matt. Didn't see you there at all. 213 00:08:22,904 --> 00:08:24,639 Do you want something from the bar? 214 00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,508 I've got the bartender's attention. 215 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:27,808 Guess I'll take a whiskey. 216 00:08:27,909 --> 00:08:30,511 Whiskey, please. For my friend. 217 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,314 Hey. Sorry for singling you out back there before. 218 00:08:33,414 --> 00:08:35,149 I know that can feel pretty embarrassing, 219 00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:36,552 but it really is a good thing. 220 00:08:36,652 --> 00:08:38,954 First step to being a fully confident human being 221 00:08:39,053 --> 00:08:41,856 is to be truly ashamed of yourself. 222 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,391 We're actually throwing a seminar tomorrow 223 00:08:43,491 --> 00:08:44,526 for the highers-up. 224 00:08:44,626 --> 00:08:46,495 If you want to join, there's an open slot. 225 00:08:46,595 --> 00:08:48,798 Why? So you can call me "dog shit giraffe" again? 226 00:08:48,898 --> 00:08:51,399 [CHUCKLES] Uh, no, probably not. 227 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:54,202 Look, there is something truly great in you. 228 00:08:54,303 --> 00:08:55,571 You just gotta tap that potential. 229 00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:58,874 Seminar's tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond. 230 00:08:58,974 --> 00:09:00,109 [MYSTICAL FLUTE MUSIC] 231 00:09:00,208 --> 00:09:03,978 Let's pretend this is a safe space. 232 00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:05,980 Sharing intimate secrets with coworkers can 233 00:09:06,081 --> 00:09:07,917 bond us together and increase communication 234 00:09:08,016 --> 00:09:09,651 in the workplace. 235 00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:13,021 Now, who wants to share first? 236 00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,255 [GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR] 237 00:09:14,355 --> 00:09:16,891 I never admitted this before, but... 238 00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:20,962 I hate my grandkids. They just suck. 239 00:09:21,062 --> 00:09:24,500 One time I hit a deer with my car... 240 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,868 because I wanted to. 241 00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:28,770 Look, I am just gonna say this: I am a cutter, 242 00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:31,072 and that works for me. 243 00:09:31,173 --> 00:09:32,240 And that's when I realized 244 00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:37,712 I had inadvertently helped do 9/11. 245 00:09:37,812 --> 00:09:39,014 - Beautiful. - So, so great. Gorgeous. 246 00:09:39,114 --> 00:09:42,619 Let's all give Ted a big round of applause 247 00:09:42,697 --> 00:09:45,920 and help him feel supported. 248 00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,289 Support Ted. 249 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,591 Okay, seems like everyone has shared. 250 00:09:50,692 --> 00:09:52,894 Except for you, Matt. 251 00:09:52,995 --> 00:09:56,298 Matt, why so shy? 252 00:09:56,398 --> 00:09:58,933 Oh, yeah, I-I don't really know if this is for me. 253 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,601 I might just go for a swim. 254 00:10:00,702 --> 00:10:01,904 Come on, Matt. We've all shared 255 00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:04,774 with each other, except for you. 256 00:10:04,874 --> 00:10:06,341 Just tell us something simple. Be confident. 257 00:10:06,442 --> 00:10:09,278 Like, how did you lose your virginity? 258 00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:12,114 Oh. Uh... 259 00:10:12,213 --> 00:10:16,618 Okay. Well, I was in college, 260 00:10:16,719 --> 00:10:20,122 and it was Halloween night, and we were watching a movie. 261 00:10:20,221 --> 00:10:23,625 Spooky. What movie? 262 00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:25,494 I'd rather not say. 263 00:10:25,594 --> 00:10:27,596 BOTH: Come on, come on. 264 00:10:27,696 --> 00:10:29,899 It was "Hocus Pocus." 265 00:10:29,999 --> 00:10:31,901 Excellent film. 266 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,934 Anyway, I got distracted by the movie, 267 00:10:34,035 --> 00:10:35,069 and it lasted way too long, 268 00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:37,806 and that's the end of that story. 269 00:10:37,907 --> 00:10:40,242 No, no, no, no. It's not, Matt. 270 00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:42,110 We gotta go way, way deeper. 271 00:10:42,211 --> 00:10:43,012 [TRIBAL FLUTE TRILLS] 272 00:10:43,111 --> 00:10:44,346 [DEEP VOICE] Way deeper. 273 00:10:44,446 --> 00:10:49,952 ? ? 274 00:10:50,052 --> 00:10:52,454 I fully trust you with my heart and mind 275 00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:54,923 to close-shave me with a straight-edge razor. 276 00:10:55,024 --> 00:10:56,225 I accept and honor your trust 277 00:10:56,325 --> 00:10:58,494 and wish you the very best of luck. 278 00:10:58,594 --> 00:10:59,762 Well, look who's here. 279 00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,130 - [KNIFE SLASHES] - Ow, my face. 280 00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:03,065 Oh, sorry, Cliff, but you moved. 281 00:11:03,164 --> 00:11:04,966 Didn't think you were the trust-shave, 282 00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:06,368 team-building type. 283 00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,002 Oh, so you were thinking about me. 284 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,104 Now I have a personal tidbit to put about you in 285 00:11:10,205 --> 00:11:12,341 my Excel spreadsheet: "Thinks about Jake... A lot." 286 00:11:12,441 --> 00:11:15,577 And I have something to put about you in my Google Doc: 287 00:11:15,678 --> 00:11:19,514 "Suffers from narcissistic personality disorder." 288 00:11:19,614 --> 00:11:20,783 Wanna get out of here? 289 00:11:20,883 --> 00:11:24,921 Fine. Twist my arm. 290 00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:27,622 Jake? [GASPS] 291 00:11:27,722 --> 00:11:29,357 [STARTLING MUSIC] 292 00:11:29,457 --> 00:11:31,459 I fully trust you with my heart and mind. 293 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:35,163 And then Bette Midler sang a Broadway rendition 294 00:11:35,264 --> 00:11:38,267 of "I Put a Spell on You," and then I, uh... 295 00:11:38,366 --> 00:11:40,334 - Give it to us, Matt. - Share, Matt. 296 00:11:40,436 --> 00:11:41,636 I camed. 297 00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:44,005 [APPLAUSE] 298 00:11:44,105 --> 00:11:46,509 Good work, Matt. Good work. 299 00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:48,210 Give Matt a hug. Show him some support. 300 00:11:48,309 --> 00:11:50,178 Everybody touch his body. 301 00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:53,282 Wrap your arms around his neck and love him. 302 00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:57,184 [SWELLING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC] 303 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,020 So, yeah, basically, I analyze data, 304 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,654 and I put it into graphs and whatever. 305 00:12:00,755 --> 00:12:02,124 I'm extremely good at it, 306 00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:04,894 and I wake up every morning wanting to die. 307 00:12:04,994 --> 00:12:08,062 You wanna die? I wanna die. 308 00:12:08,163 --> 00:12:11,234 - We have so much in common. - Mm-hmm. 309 00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:14,335 I bet we're missing some great seminars right now. 310 00:12:14,436 --> 00:12:16,672 Oh, yeah. I had my eyes on the "How to Embezzle Money 311 00:12:16,772 --> 00:12:18,273 While Still Looking Really Awesome" seminar, 312 00:12:18,373 --> 00:12:21,210 but I already kind of know how to do that. 313 00:12:21,309 --> 00:12:23,678 Ooh, we're not the only ones playing hooky. 314 00:12:23,779 --> 00:12:25,780 See that redheaded guy about to dive in? 315 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,882 - Mm-hmm. - Greg Wilkins, chief of 316 00:12:27,982 --> 00:12:30,017 product development, HD San Francisco. 317 00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:31,920 And he cheats on his wife with Julie Powell, 318 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,421 VP Hampton DeVille, west Oregon. 319 00:12:33,522 --> 00:12:35,324 Hmm. 320 00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:36,891 You're not married, are you? 321 00:12:36,991 --> 00:12:38,327 No, I'm not, which severely decreases 322 00:12:38,427 --> 00:12:42,062 the chances that we'll have sex on this retreat. 323 00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:43,564 [SLURPING] 324 00:12:43,664 --> 00:12:46,568 Wait, Mark Cuban, Condoleezza Rice, 325 00:12:46,668 --> 00:12:48,803 and the Barefoot Contessa are all AHOLEs? 326 00:12:48,904 --> 00:12:50,371 Mm-hmm, and her husband Jeffrey. 327 00:12:50,471 --> 00:12:52,206 Really, you're no different from any of them, Matt. 328 00:12:52,307 --> 00:12:53,908 We think you're special, Matt. 329 00:12:54,009 --> 00:12:55,811 I can feel your confidence growing. 330 00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:58,780 Just a few more exercises and you'll be a full AHOLE. 331 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,948 Oh yeah. Big-time AHOLE. 332 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,418 Come on, let's pray. 333 00:13:02,518 --> 00:13:06,454 Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me the confidence 334 00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:09,125 to purchase this food with my hard-earned money, 335 00:13:09,225 --> 00:13:11,426 which I got without any of your help, 336 00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:14,261 because you don't exist. Amen. 337 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,563 - Amen! - Amen. 338 00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:16,997 Let's eat. 339 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,934 [SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] 340 00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:22,737 Ew, gross. There's a hair in my food. 341 00:13:22,837 --> 00:13:25,274 Oh. Yeah, gross. 342 00:13:25,374 --> 00:13:26,942 I guess mistakes happen, huh? 343 00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:28,377 Look, why don't you just throw it out 344 00:13:28,476 --> 00:13:30,178 and move on with your life, like you said, right? 345 00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:31,480 [MOUTHING WORDS] 346 00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:34,583 N... no. I deserve better than this. 347 00:13:34,682 --> 00:13:38,787 I'm gonna say something. Excuse me, waitress? 348 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,956 There's a problem with my food, when you get a second. 349 00:13:42,057 --> 00:13:43,457 Can I help you, sir? 350 00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,092 I certainly hope you can help me. 351 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,962 Look at this hair. My dinner is ruined. 352 00:13:48,062 --> 00:13:49,097 Stronger, Matt. 353 00:13:49,197 --> 00:13:51,167 I mean, you ruined it. 354 00:13:51,266 --> 00:13:52,834 You ruined my dinner. 355 00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:56,003 I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'll get you a new Cobb salad. 356 00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:58,674 No, let me finish. I'm a human being 357 00:13:58,774 --> 00:14:02,678 and essentially an executive, and I deserve respect. 358 00:14:02,778 --> 00:14:05,113 Of course, sir. I'll comp the salad and then... 359 00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:07,147 - Get her, Matt. - I'll go get you another one. 360 00:14:07,249 --> 00:14:08,783 Fuck you! I hope you die. 361 00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:11,053 Easy, easy. Good, but... 362 00:14:11,153 --> 00:14:12,521 Ruin her day, not her life. 363 00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:14,656 [CHUCKLES] Good, though. Good stuff. 364 00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:17,831 So I've just been going to parties lately 365 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:20,127 - and stealing things. - I think that's smart. 366 00:14:20,221 --> 00:14:23,397 - Thanks. - So... This is me. 367 00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:24,900 Well, I... I would invite myself in, 368 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,014 but I never mix sex and networking. 369 00:14:27,136 --> 00:14:28,270 Probably for the best. 370 00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:30,572 Having sex with me is like having sex on ecstasy. 371 00:14:30,672 --> 00:14:32,441 You'll be depressed for six months afterwards. 372 00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:35,510 [LAUGHS] 373 00:14:35,610 --> 00:14:37,178 I really gotta thank you guys. 374 00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:38,679 Without you, I never would have had 375 00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:40,481 the confidence to stand up for myself. 376 00:14:40,581 --> 00:14:41,682 You should thank yourself, Matt. 377 00:14:41,783 --> 00:14:43,317 You're the one who made that waitress cry. 378 00:14:43,418 --> 00:14:44,754 Well, thanks, me. 379 00:14:44,854 --> 00:14:47,389 Man, I feel like a whole new person. 380 00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:48,856 You know, that's great, Matt. 381 00:14:48,957 --> 00:14:52,327 But right behind this door is the final test. 382 00:14:52,427 --> 00:14:55,330 [SWELLING OPERA MUSIC] 383 00:14:55,429 --> 00:15:01,503 ? ? 384 00:15:02,537 --> 00:15:05,708 Whoa, wait. I'm sorry. What's going on? 385 00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,241 I thought you two were married. 386 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,111 Well, exactly. We're a team. 387 00:15:10,211 --> 00:15:11,580 I'm gonna watch. 388 00:15:11,679 --> 00:15:13,914 [INHALING DEEPLY] 389 00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:18,152 Oh! Oh... 390 00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:20,589 [HUFFING] 391 00:15:20,688 --> 00:15:22,490 I'm so happy we're doing this, finally. 392 00:15:22,591 --> 00:15:23,692 - You're doing great. - Thank you. 393 00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:26,195 You're doing so well. 394 00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,730 Oh! Yes. [CHUCKLES] 395 00:15:28,831 --> 00:15:30,765 I was a virgin until we had sex. 396 00:15:30,865 --> 00:15:31,966 - Oh my God. - Yeah. 397 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,735 I hated it. I'm never gonna do it again. 398 00:15:33,836 --> 00:15:35,269 So you're in love with me now? 399 00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:36,772 [DOOR CREAKS OPEN] 400 00:15:36,871 --> 00:15:40,508 Uh, Matt? Could you give us a minute or go away forever? 401 00:15:40,609 --> 00:15:41,676 [DOOR SLAMS] 402 00:15:41,777 --> 00:15:43,245 Do whatever you're gonna do. 403 00:15:43,345 --> 00:15:45,980 Nothing can shock me anymore. 404 00:15:46,081 --> 00:15:48,216 [BED RATTLES] 405 00:15:48,317 --> 00:15:50,918 I'm confident now. 406 00:15:51,019 --> 00:15:54,623 - Well, we fucked. - Yes! Yes, we did. 407 00:15:54,722 --> 00:15:56,257 It was a pleasure sleeping with you. 408 00:15:56,357 --> 00:15:57,825 - You as well. - Mm. 409 00:15:57,926 --> 00:16:00,095 [LAUGHS] Nice, firm handshake, there. 410 00:16:00,161 --> 00:16:01,104 - Yeah. - Never noticed 411 00:16:01,129 --> 00:16:02,497 quite how firm your handshake was. 412 00:16:02,597 --> 00:16:05,099 It's firm. 413 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,868 - Shall we, uh... - Yeah, let's go do some... 414 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,602 - Get those emails? - ...on my email, so... 415 00:16:08,703 --> 00:16:10,337 So you were used as a sex toy 416 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:11,605 by a couple of cult leaders. 417 00:16:11,706 --> 00:16:12,807 Some people would pay for that. 418 00:16:12,908 --> 00:16:15,644 - I'm a human dildo. - Sure, but, 419 00:16:15,744 --> 00:16:17,345 someday you'll connect with someone. 420 00:16:17,445 --> 00:16:19,381 Or maybe you won't. Some people never do. 421 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,816 [HEAVY SIGH] I just don't wanna see 422 00:16:20,915 --> 00:16:22,516 Jeff and Gretchen at the closing ceremony. 423 00:16:22,616 --> 00:16:24,218 It's gonna be so awkward. 424 00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:26,187 I'm actually really looking forward to the closing ceremony. 425 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,322 Natasha's gonna be there. 426 00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:28,856 I have this weird, warm feeling 427 00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:30,391 where I actually wanna see her again. 428 00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:32,995 Isn't that Natasha over there? 429 00:16:33,095 --> 00:16:36,129 - Oh, my God. [GIGGLES] - Sorry. 430 00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:39,567 He's got a great butt. 431 00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:41,269 Your eyes are beautiful with this... 432 00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:42,637 Hey, what is this? 433 00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:44,173 Hey, Jake Levinson. 434 00:16:44,273 --> 00:16:46,274 Excuse me, I'll be right back 435 00:16:46,375 --> 00:16:48,210 to sort out all these crazy cards. 436 00:16:48,309 --> 00:16:50,544 Jake, why are you acting like some jealous boyfriend 437 00:16:50,644 --> 00:16:51,646 all of a sudden? 438 00:16:51,746 --> 00:16:52,947 Well, because... 439 00:16:53,048 --> 00:16:55,517 Didn't yesterday mean anything to you? 440 00:16:55,616 --> 00:16:58,586 Oh. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry. 441 00:16:58,687 --> 00:17:00,289 It was just networking. 442 00:17:02,757 --> 00:17:04,626 Yeah... Yeah, me too. 443 00:17:04,726 --> 00:17:06,226 Don't worry about it. 444 00:17:06,328 --> 00:17:08,998 Yeah, I'm just gonna go give my cat a quick call. 445 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:12,567 Ah, damn it. 446 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:15,437 Oh, you're the waitress from last night. 447 00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,271 I'm not a waitress anymore. 448 00:17:17,371 --> 00:17:18,606 After you yelled at me, 449 00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,408 the resort demoted me to janitorial. 450 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:24,612 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I-I never yell like that. 451 00:17:24,713 --> 00:17:25,814 Here, let me help you. 452 00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:29,618 No! Just, please... 453 00:17:29,717 --> 00:17:30,919 Leave me alone. 454 00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:32,955 Some executive puked on the pool deck, 455 00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:36,891 and I gotta go mop it up before it dries. 456 00:17:36,992 --> 00:17:38,860 My wife and I fuck animals and men. 457 00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:40,294 - Yeah... - Hey, I need to 458 00:17:40,395 --> 00:17:41,864 - talk to you two. - Ooh! 459 00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:43,465 - Oh, hey! - Matt, how are you? 460 00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:44,732 - Hey, buddy boy. - Touching you. 461 00:17:44,832 --> 00:17:46,301 - Look at these little nips... - Stop! 462 00:17:46,401 --> 00:17:47,468 - Whoa! - Stop touching me. 463 00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:48,837 - Okay, okay. - You know that waitress 464 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,038 got demoted because of us? 465 00:17:50,138 --> 00:17:52,040 What, do you feel guilty? Don't feel guilty. 466 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,141 No, no, no. Guilt? 467 00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:55,110 Guilt is just insecurity leaving the body. 468 00:17:55,209 --> 00:17:57,278 Besides, we're the ones who planted the hair in your food, 469 00:17:57,379 --> 00:17:59,080 so you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. 470 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,381 What? 471 00:18:00,482 --> 00:18:01,389 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] 472 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,350 Oh! We gotta go, that's our cue. 473 00:18:04,553 --> 00:18:06,689 - This was great. - Yeah, it was. 474 00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:10,850 All right, team Hampton DeVille, 475 00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:12,327 give it up for yourselves! 476 00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,858 Yeah! We learned a lot this weekend. 477 00:18:14,896 --> 00:18:16,405 Learned a lot about teamwork, 478 00:18:16,452 --> 00:18:17,866 learned a lot about management, 479 00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:19,934 and we learned a lot about each other. 480 00:18:20,005 --> 00:18:21,733 Ted? Your secret's safe with us. 481 00:18:21,803 --> 00:18:23,671 Whoopsie! 482 00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:26,707 Now, step forward if you are ready 483 00:18:26,808 --> 00:18:30,546 to be baptized and reborn an AHOLE! 484 00:18:30,646 --> 00:18:33,382 - Yeah! Come up here, AHOLE. - Look at this AHOLE. 485 00:18:33,482 --> 00:18:35,684 Come on up here, you fucking nerd. 486 00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:38,652 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 487 00:18:38,753 --> 00:18:42,624 ? ? 488 00:18:42,724 --> 00:18:44,525 All right, hold your breath. 489 00:18:44,626 --> 00:18:46,528 ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE. 490 00:18:46,628 --> 00:18:49,496 - All right! - Yeah. 491 00:18:49,597 --> 00:18:52,267 Whoo! I love this company! 492 00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:55,904 All right, who's next? Get up here, lady! 493 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,706 Here we go! 494 00:18:57,805 --> 00:19:00,274 ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE! 495 00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:03,678 ? ? 496 00:19:03,777 --> 00:19:07,716 Oh, yeah, come on, big boy. 497 00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:09,817 ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE! 498 00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:13,354 Yeah! Look at this wet hamster. 499 00:19:13,455 --> 00:19:16,091 Come on up here. 500 00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,158 Fucking whatever, just do it. 501 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,827 We will! 502 00:19:19,928 --> 00:19:23,563 ? ? 503 00:19:23,665 --> 00:19:26,301 All right, see ya later, sad guy. 504 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,903 What a miserable AHOLE. Oh, Matt's coming up here. 505 00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:33,908 All right, Matt. Come on, let us baptize you. 506 00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:36,444 You know what? I'm not gonna do this. 507 00:19:36,544 --> 00:19:37,946 Yay! My turn! 508 00:19:38,045 --> 00:19:40,748 Shut up, Ted! Don't you guys see? 509 00:19:40,849 --> 00:19:43,885 Jeff and Gretchen are full of shit. 510 00:19:43,985 --> 00:19:46,322 This whole AHOLE program is full of shit. 511 00:19:46,421 --> 00:19:50,024 Also, this isn't a baptism. This is waterboarding. 512 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,992 Uh, great share, Matt. That was really... 513 00:19:52,092 --> 00:19:54,661 It's not a fucking share. 514 00:19:54,762 --> 00:19:59,400 Okay. Everyone, look at Matt. 515 00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:04,172 On the first day, he was half giraffe, half dog shit. 516 00:20:04,272 --> 00:20:08,710 And now look at him. He is a total AHOLE. 517 00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:09,811 Congratulations, Matt. 518 00:20:09,910 --> 00:20:12,080 Fuck this. I'm going to the pool. 519 00:20:12,179 --> 00:20:14,082 - You're welcome, Matt. - Come on, Teddy, let's do it! 520 00:20:14,183 --> 00:20:16,652 All right, Ted's weird. He likes it. 521 00:20:16,752 --> 00:20:18,086 He wants it too much. 522 00:20:18,187 --> 00:20:21,289 [SMOOTH BONGO AND CELLO MUSIC] 523 00:20:21,389 --> 00:20:27,329 ? ? 524 00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:31,699 [PLANE RUMBLES] 525 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,101 Oh, come on. 526 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,070 God, really? I'm not falling for this again. 527 00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:39,707 [LAUGHING] Did you arrange for another... 528 00:20:39,808 --> 00:20:42,511 No, did you? 529 00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:45,214 - No. - No? 530 00:20:45,313 --> 00:20:48,917 Everyone stay calm! 531 00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:50,183 [UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC] 532 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,985 ? Clear blue skies ? 533 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,587 ? The sun is shining ? 534 00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:54,790 ? Birds fly high... ? 535 00:20:54,889 --> 00:20:57,859 Jesus, what do they do to you on that retreat? 536 00:20:57,958 --> 00:20:59,594 ? Never gonna die ? 537 00:21:01,036 --> 00:21:03,197 - [MOANS] - [STAMMERS] 538 00:21:03,297 --> 00:21:04,866 I'm sorry. What... what was that? 539 00:21:04,966 --> 00:21:06,033 - Oh. - Oh. 540 00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:08,035 That... that's what I was gonna say too. 541 00:21:08,136 --> 00:21:10,372 Oh. Ohh... 542 00:21:10,472 --> 00:21:12,274 - That's great. Yeah. - Okay. 543 00:21:12,365 --> 00:21:13,538 - Any critici... - No. 544 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,608 - Okay. - None right now. 545 00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:15,765 Okay, great. 546 00:21:15,815 --> 00:21:20,365 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0